Mill Valley shenanigans exposed

By Hank Brown

Welcome to Mill Valley, a magical land of wonderment where singing children frolic through forests of cypress and wealth seems to flow like the river Nile. It is a place where doors are left unlocked and grand houses are unattended by adults for weeks on end. Some may call it paradise, cynics may refer to it as a town plagued with excess, yet as a close observer of the events around me, I am caught somewhere in the middle.

It’s hard to take a town where Bimmers are actually more common than people; especially when ex-hippies are driving them. Mill Valley is a funny place because it’s a small town that pretends it’s a city. I’m aware that it is actually considered a city, but let’s face it: it’s called it a town people.

Sometimes I feel as though MV has been taken over by teenagers like “Children of the Corn.” That might just be my naïve teenage perception, but when the only people out at night are throngs of teens going Mel Gibson on bottles of vodka then it’s no wonder the MVPD is so cranky all the time. It’s funny because the teens here in Mill Valley feel so entitled that they are incredulous that a cop would have the nerve to bust a group that so blatantly reeks like a Deadhead drum circle.

Another thing I wish to point out is that Mill Valley citizens drive like they’re trying to recreate a Vin Diesel movie, when in reality, someone’s going to be late to a 1 p.m. yoga session. I understand that if you’re going to own a Mercedes SLR, it’s inevitable that rubber will be burnt, but holy bajeezles! Try not to gun it through a crowd of children and then Tokyo drift a U-turn, please; “downward dog” can wait two more minutes.

But wait! There is more! While it does make sense to charge the wealthy more for food, eleven bucks for a burrito and a drink is redonkeykong. Build up some more affordable fine-dining choices like Olive Garden or Applebees to replace all these “chic” restaurants that last a month at best, and we’ll be set. OK not really, but at least it’s a step in the right direction. Who wants to spend a quarter tank of gas on frogurt anyway?

Finally, I would like to touch on the fact that there are four types of people in Mill Valley: sporty-spice, fancy-pants, nature’s friend and chiller mcbrosky; which I might add has been proven by multiple studies that will go unmentioned. Sporty-spice often runs errands and sips lattes in spandex running/biking garb, fancy-pants trots the town in only the finest denims and high-heels, nature’s friend will only wear clothes that come from tomatoes and rocks or something and chiller mcbrosky…well… let’s just say, shirt: optional and job: unknown. Some may accuse me of stereotyping, but remember, I said it was proven and you can’t deny the facts.

Now don’t get me wrong, Mill Valley is a wonderful place to live and I am thankful to have grown up here, but you must understand that there are some rather ridiculous qualities of this little paradise and its people that should be pointed out by someone as wise as me. Thank you for your time and drive safely. We wouldn’t want any squished 6th graders on account of an urgent jam session with the bros.