I’ve been a student for 12 years now, and despite weekly breakdowns and every productivity hack known to the internet, I still procrastinate. I procrastinated on writing this, and I’m procrastinating by writing this, so yeah, I guess you could say I’m a pro. Don’t get me wrong — chronic procrastination isn’t something to be proud of. But I can’t comfort myself with the knowledge that I’ve done my best (on anything), or with the kinds of real accomplishments those go getters are going out and getting. All I have is my ability to write an essay twenty minutes before it’s due. Just let me have that, okay?
This won’t be an article about how to stop procrastinating. Let’s face it, dear reader: procrastination is in your blood. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Bullet journaling? Specialty alarms? Self respect? These are things that work for other people, not you. Take it from me; it’s better to embrace your true self now.
What can you do? In the immortal words of Sheryl Sandberg, who (I suspect) does not belong to our club of dysfunction, “lean in.” If you can’t achieve excellence in anything else, go for the gold medal in last minute mediocrity. With that in mind, I offer you these tried and true tips for procrastination:
- Try mixing procrastination with perfectionism. I’ve found they compliment each other really well. Just remember: if you never attempt something, you can’t fail at it.
- Become deeply invested in one TV show at a time — the more seasons it ran for, the better. As you feel your brain cells dying one by one, remember that you’re doing this to yourself in the service of your sport.
- Do a google search for child prodigies. Watch their interviews on Ellen. Hate yourself. Repeat.
- Practice rationalizing all of your terrible choices so that the extreme lows you eventually reach begin to seem realistic. (Sure, finishing up that project in the confines of a bathroom stall while the class bell rings is a great idea. You did have a month to do it, but you’re just more productive last minute.)
- When you run out of counterproductive things to do, just go to sleep.
The most important thing you can do, however, is exude the kind of confidence that blinds others to your utter incompetence. In my experience, all it takes is having opinions about literally everything and cultivating a look of nonplussed, intellectual boredom. If you simultaneously intimidate others and isolate yourself enough, your secret will be safe. It’s the perfection of this that has allowed me to pass as an organized person, despite being literally the most scatterbrained person to have ever existed outside of cliched romantic comedies.
And with that, dear reader, I leave you. Because let’s face it: I’m too lazy to write a real ending for this.