How to Become a Woman
Prom is the one high school dance that marks the transition of a young girl into what it means to be a woman. This year, prom will be on May 20th, but in order to meet the necessary expectations of this remarkable evening, girls, we should start preparing a year in advance. It’s never too early! We need all the time to make this night the most perfect passage into our world as women ever.
To plan ahead, during winter break, when prom is only 6 months away, it’s time to start looking for a prom dress. The research begins, and purchases are made on parent’s credit cards. They don’t mind the $500 bill from Saks Fifth Avenue for the dress; your mother remembers when she was in high school, and how her prom shaped her to be the successful woman she is today. She knows it’s worth every cent.
After the dress, it’s vital that you find a pair of heels to go with. Even though you’ve already spent half a grand on a full length dress which completely covers your shoes, it is crucial that you tower over your prom date with a pair of $150 Steve Madden heels. Your transition will not be the same without the completed outfit, and of course your parents won’t mind the additional purchase, because it’s prom. They understand how important it is for their little girl’s future.
You also need a date. You can’t go without one. So, you miss the $90 prom ticket deadline waiting for Freddy from math class to finally prompose to you. You couldn’t get one before, because even though administration says that you can go “stag,” everyone knows that you really cannot. You need a date, or you’re no one. So $100, sugar! Fork it up.
A month (or even two) before prom, it’s time for an intervention. Honey, you’re getting a little tubby. No one wants their date to be a chubbo! Time to step it up, ladies. We all know the secret: kale. Kale for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It’s #promseason! Heaven forbid you eat meat or carbs. You can’t afford to eat that stuff. Think about it: womanhood, or getting fat? Yeah, that’s what we thought. It’s time to hit the gym. If you don’t have the 24-Hour gym membership for $181.47 downpayment and $44.99 monthly dues, you’re lame. And fat.
Now that you can actually fit into your dress (thank goodness your size 2 dress is a little stretchy!), it’s time to wax yourself. Everywhere. Eyebrows, legs, armpits, mustache, stomach, e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. No one will ever love a sasquatch. So that’s $25 for eyebrows, $15 for upper lip, $30 for underarm, $80 for legs, and $80 for brazilian. Total is about $230, tax not included. Now you’re almost perfect.
Although wearing a couture ballgown at the age of 16 is completely necessary for the wellbeing of your evening, as well as your future as a woman, it is also critical to book your hair and makeup at MilVali, in downtown Mill Valley. Anywhere else is completely subpar. and who wants to have an “okay” transition into womanhood? Mediocrity is for boys! Prom hair and makeup is only $200, less than the shoes. Your parents understand, Mom especially, because she gets her makeup done there before every gallery auction and book club meeting, weekly.
The key factor to having the most superior transition from an awkward teenager to an adult is the means of transportation to the event. Do you have a large group of friends? The party bus is the right choice. Party busses are better than limos, because the busses have stripper poles that make the ride so much more fun. We all know that if you don’t impress the boys on the bus, you’re not getting anywhere in life. Besides, it’s only about $80 per person!
After makeup, hair, squeezing into your dress and grimacing at your too-tall-too-tight shoes, a countless number of photos, your cheeks sore from smiling, it’s time to pile into the bus.
When we stride up to the doors of the galleria, stay for half the time of the event, and rush out to the after party, we know we are women. “Wow, that was amazing,” we think as we leave the galleria, shoes in hand. Our hair is now deflated, our makeup runny, and our dress is wrinkled (it’s okay- you’re only going to wear it once), but Cinderella finally feels like a Queen. When we entered those doors, we were foolish little girls, weren’t we? But now, we are new and improved women, ready to impress the world with the number of cars we get our husband(s) to buy us. We know that the ~$1,486.46, the blisters, the kale salads, the sore muscles, and the dress we will look back on with longing when we’re 50 years old, remembering how thin we used to be. It’s all worth it, isn’t it?