Do you have trouble making friends, being friends with humans, having friends, or playing funny pranks on friends? So did I until I didn’t! Wanna know how? Here’s how:

One: Be good, be kind.

Friends don’t come to those who think its okay to be not-okay. Okay? Okay.

Second: Wear clothing.

C’mon guys: it’s the 21st century. You can’t just go around without clothes on. Plus: in this sub-zero-degree Mill Valley winter, you may get cold if you don’t wear clothes.

Third: Dog.

Everyone-I mean everyone-knows that the common dog, Canis lupus familiaris, is mankind’s best friend. If you are ever feeling saggy and friendless, just snuggle up close to one of those fluffy little dudes, and you will feel your thorax uncontrollably swell with joy. For thousands of years, humans have been asking unanswerable questions about dogs, such as “who are they?” and “can we get the bottom of this?” Pretending that you know the answers to these questions will make people think that you are smart. This will make them want to be your friend.

Fourth: Have Friends.

A good way to have friends is to have friends. But be careful! Having friends is not for everyone. Some people can’t even make friends. If you’re one of those people, I can’t help you.

Fifth: Sdneirf.

Some people will try to trick you by saying “sdneirf,” but don’t be fooled! “Sdneirf” is just a sneaky little trick. You can defeat these tricky people by simply responding “sdneirf is just ‘friends’ spelled backward, you stinker.” This makes their psychological mind become filled with sadness, and then they will be vulnerable enough to become your friend.

I like to say the magic phrase, then strike an impressive pose, but that’s just because I’m a pro. You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.  Success!

Sixth: Observe.

Every great friend-haver has friends. And that’s cause they observe. I observe from atop a building or behind a bush and thus I have captured many friends that are now petrified in snow globes for me to marvel at while I’m doing my homework. Observation is when you look around at the things around you. Including the friends. It’s like hiding: if they can’t see you, you can’t see them. If you are observant enough, you can slide into their psyche, and whisper sweet nothings until they decide to become your friend.

Seven: think like a friend.

Some fishing-people say “to catch the fish, you must be the fish.” It’s like that but not at all: hold the fish. If you think like a friend you will get, like, a friend.

Eighth: Air Horn.

Sometimes, you can be surrounded by friends, and you may not even realize it. In these times, I like to turn to my trusty friend the air horn, because it awakens me from my deep and poetic slumber. All I do, is look around, notice that I’m surrounded by friends that I fail to notice, and the I give my air horn a quick toot, which snaps me back to reality, so I can notice the gang of friends surrounding me. When I wake up, I usually say “Wow! There’s a large group of friends surrounding me, and they’re all holding baseball bats and asking me things about my wallet! What luck! All thanks to my trusty Air Horn that I picked up at a small boutique in San Francisco for only $3.99!”

Ninth: Support Claims With Evidence and Reasoning.

Do you remember how your English teachers always keep bugging you about supporting your claims with evidence and reasoning? Yeah. That’s ‘cause they know how to get friends. They’re English teachers: the national friendship champions. Take their advice, and you will climb the friendship ladder. Also, there is nothing more rewarding to me-or anyone-than developing a clear and concise argument which is supported fully by epic evidence from trustworthy sources.

Tenth: I have been making friends for eons, and I can tell you that the last and most important thing to friend-making, is to turn the lights off when you’re in the shower, cause there’s a drought right now guys, and the current head of the EPA calls CO₂ “the gas of life” so basically the health of the environment is up to us now.

John Overton
tetteryxes-4789@yopmail.com

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