The Bovine Revolution

The Bovine Revolution

By Liam Ludin

“Oh beautiful, for spacious skies

For amber waves of grain

For purple mountain majesties

Above the fruited plain” – Kathrin Lee Bates

But what really lives on those fruited plains? Who is the number one consumer of OUR ‘amber waves of grain’?

When one thinks of a threat to our beautiful God-blessed country, one may think of terrorists, communists, or fascists, but what if I told you that the biggest threat to our red, white, and blue Lady Liberty was living inside of it right now, ready to strike at a moments notice. You probably have even seen them, many of them. These things have no god, no religion, no morals, and will not hesitate to get what their sacrilegious minds would think to be revenge. For ages, we have been able to control these beasts, but the time is coming when they will rise up and destroy the entire planet. Join me in stopping this impending threat, the biggest menace to our American freedom! The Bovine uprising.

I have been personally investigating the cows for many years by now, using tactics by some of our great American predecessors like Joseph McCarthy and John Edgar Hoover. I am also taking wolf semen supplements to increase my testosterone levels so the cows will be afraid of me and not attack when I get near. This is because wolves are cows’ natural enemies and therefore they are naturally afraid of their scent. 

I started my investigation in my hometown of Liberty Eagle Freedomville, Ohio where cows launch attacks on our burger chains and pickup trucks. The rampant terrorism of my home soon became too much to handle and I could not stand idly by any longer. Cows have been a major threat for a very long time, but no one has been taking action … until now. It is all because of the Central Intelligence Agency, or CIA. C-I-A, three letters. Tri! The CIA is based in Langley, Virginia. George Washington is from Virginia. George Washington lived on Mount Vernon. Mountains have points. Another word for a point is a tip. Tri-Tip! A cut of steak! Beef! COWS! They are in control of the CIA and in turn: in control of the government. If credible evidence isn’t enough for you, then I don’t know what to tell you. Think about it! We all know the CIA killed John F. Kennedy, but why? What was the biggest thing JFK did? The space race. The cows killed JFK to stop us Americans from getting to the moon. They then used their puppet Neil Armstrong who grew up in Ohio, one of the biggest corn-producing states in America, to fake the moon landing and stop us Americans from getting the real information. But again, why the moon? The mooooooo-n. All of the pieces come together. 

I was also able to contact my cousin, a cattle rancher named Tex Rex, who is the best of the best, located out in Uncle Sam’s Freedom Shack, Texas. For those of you who don’t know, Texas is the state with the most cattle in the United States of god-damn America. I asked him about suspicious activity around the cattle and maybe why the anti-American cow terrorists want to kill us god-loving Americans. 

“Them cows always be whispering in my field! I walk by and they stop whispering but I know they whispering, I know. They can’t trick me! About what, only God knows, I can’t speak cow!” said Mr. Rex. As an elementary school graduate, Mr. Rex clearly knows what he is talking about. Because Rex hadn’t gone to fancy-pancy middle school he was saved from the rampant brainwashing that cows employ in higher education. Rex went on to tell us about how one night when he had come home back from the bar he had personally seen the cows stockpiling guns and ammunition. “I be done coming home from the good ol’ Beer Garden and I noticed that I lost my gun! I don’t know nobody that would be taking my gun, but then I thought it had to be them bovine devils! Sure enough I walk into my barn and I found my gun right in my holster on my hip! Them sneaky black and white milk makers must have put it back when I wasn’t looking but I ain’t no fool. I knows what they be tryin’ to do!” We now have clear evidence of cows obtaining firearms and conspiring to overthrow our government. We’ve seen this before in the 50s with the Commies and we are seeing it right now as well. If we don’t act soon our churches will be replaced with milk fountains and our flags will be taken down and trampled on. But not in my country, not in our god blessed land of opportunity! 

My investigations eventually led me to King Ranch in Texas, the biggest cattle ranch in the world comprised of over 825,000 acres of gods green soil. On this rich and righteous land, there are over 35,000 blood bathed bovines who are willing to do anything to take away YOUR American freedom! I sunk in, undercover using my patented wolf semen technique to find out what was really going on. Inside the deeper darker parts of the ranch is where I found it. All the cows were making the same sound over and over again. Mooooo, mooo, moo. That’s when it hit me. M.O.O. the Manipulative Overthrow Operation. This is when I found out this was no longer just a small rebellious group of terrorists but a full-scale world domination operation.  I soon was able to piece together the cow invasion battle plan and how and when they strike our prosperous capitalistic dream house. 

For those of you who don’t already know, a female whale is also known as a cow, a male whale is known as a bull, and a baby whale is known as a calf. Seem familiar? Also if you didn’t know there are currently about 490 ships in our red white and blue navy. There are a total of over 75,000 whales in the world granting cows the biggest, strongest navy in the entire world! You also have to take into account the 50,000 elite KILLER whales, who are also referred to as cows, who are literal sea monsters in the northern pacific. These things are more deadly than most battleships, with their hunting tactics being credited for the extinction of the megalodon! If we don’t launch a preemptive strike right now against the sea cows and the land cows then not only our United States of America is doomed, the entire world will soon be controlled by the milky masterminds.  

Now that I found out that the cows had full naval dominance of the world, everything started coming together. The largest army and the largest navy. The Army-Navy football game. Another word for football is pigskin. Pigs live on farms. Cows live on farms. Old McDonald had a farm! A nursery rhyme. Hey, diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. Funny huh? Circling back to the moon? Coincidence? I THINK NOT. Cows using their massive flatulence and launch pads powered by whale blowholes will shoot the cows to the moon where they will, with all of their demonic black and white anti-American, anti-freedom, push the moon into the earth, udderly destroying democracy, liberty, and the three most important colors in the world. Red. White. Blue. Join me in stopping The Bovine Moooooovement.