An Appeal to be a Smarter Consumer by Jimmy Neutron, Sophomore and science prodigy
Going back to school means a lot of things. Backpacks, binders, bins, binoculars – you name it. Starting high school brings all new challenges and hurdles, and, especially at Tam, one particular difficulty will definitely make your life troubling if you don’t take steps to help yourself. This obstacle is the ridiculous size of this school. Our campus is too big. For real. We could fit the entire population of Greenland in it. Okay, so maybe that’s not a great example, because there are only about six people in Greenland, but still this school is stupidly huge. Why is our school so big? Seriously, I don’t need to walk a mile just to get to math class. My feet shouldn’t have to go through the same punishment my brain does.
That is why I am suggesting freshmen invest in a good pair of shoes, preferably Heelys. Remember Heelys? The shoes with wheels on them because someone out there thought, “Hey, what if shoes were carts?” I am really serious about this suggestion. There are so many stairs and hills here, you could literally fly if you had on a pair of Heelys. My freshman year, I saw a kid with Heelys. I saw him glide from Wood Hall to Keyser and thought to myself, “This guy’s a genius.” I never saw this kid again. He could’ve died in a Heelys’ related accident; I really don’t know. On the bright side, he was able to get to his classes faster and walk less.
The Importance of Mapmaking by Beverly Marsh, Senior
Certain challenges come with Tam being the tremendously gigantic school it is. Namely, finding your class. You could be walking to history and end up in the bathroom, or vice versa, which would be absolutely awful (“Ok, I’m going to take roll. Oh, can I help you? Why are your pants down?”).
So, how did I solve this problem? Simply by tattooing my entire body with a map of this school. How long did it take? Two weeks. Did it hurt? Excruciatingly. Was it worth it? I know where every class, bathroom, and office is in this whole school. I know this school like the back of my hand, which, coincidentally, some of the map is on. Also, my back is blue now, which is fun. Sure, this will present a problem when I graduate and have a worthless map of this school on my body. But hey, this was a cheaper memento than buying a yearbook. Also, way more useful than a yearbook. I don’t need a giant bible of other people’s faces, no thank you.
How to Win Over the Administration Heart’s by Reginald van Hartley III, Junior/fancy boy
As a sophisticate, I have found the greatest path to success in this environment is by being overly polite to the leaders of this school. You see, it is difficult to get what you want in a school of over a 1,000 people.
(I’m sorry. I’m going to break character here just for a moment, so I can address something. There are too many people at this school. I am sorry, but it is true. We gotta slim the herd. A population of over 1,000 students is ridiculous. It should not take me any extra five minutes to walk ten feet just because there is pack of 200 underclassmen standing around and looking at how big the buildings/every other older person is compared to them). In order to achieve anything at this establishment, it will behoove you to be respectful to anyone who is above you. If your eye catches the Assistant Principal walking down the halls, give him or her a little curtsey or bow, to show your respect. If you see a campus supervisor, take off your top hat and bow. If you see the ASB president nearby, get down on the ground and clean his shoes with your tongue. If you just start doing it, he will not stop you, because he is, of course, expecting someone to shine his shoes with a tongue. During lunch, stand by doors and hold them open. You never know who will be entering or leaving, making this a great way to make a first impression. I hope you all triumph at this school like I have, now if you excuse me, I’m going to go clean Garrett’s little gator with my toothbrush. ♦