The other day I was approached by a strange figure draped in only an American flag. The figure held two items, a book and an envelope, both of which were shoved forcefully into my arms. Stumbling backward, I asked who he was. “The future,” the stranger whispered, and disappeared into a puff of red, white and blue sparkles.
I examined my new belongings, dusting off an impossibly worn copy of “America Again: Re-Becoming the Greatness We Never Weren’t,” a book only recently released by Stephen Colbert, political satirist and host of Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report.” I gave the pages a quick scan, laughing at the various visual gags pulled in mock infographics and unflattering photos of politicians, before turning my attention to the envelope.
I ripped through the various bald eagle stickers that sealed the envelope and found a crude crayon drawing of Captain America wearing 3-D glasses. I frowned in confusion, but quickly understood. Each copy of America Again contains a pair of 3-D glasses for an enhanced reading experience, and as I placed the glasses upon my face, à la Captain America in the image, a secret message began to form on the drawing:
Dear Student,
It is absolutely crucial that you read this book now to secure America’s success. Stephen Colbert has shown us not only the path to greatness, but that we were walking on it all along. I h
ave traveled here from years in the future to make sure that Colbert’s words reach the eyes, ears, and tongues (have they invent
ed flavor-blasted literature yet?) of today’s youth, for you are tomorrow’s cranky curmudgeons.
With Colbert’s advice, Americans solidified our standing as the #1 nation in th
e world (in an alphabetical list of nations beginning with the letters “United States of A______”). We balanced the federal budget. (Who knew it was as easy as adding tick marks to change “minus” signs to “plus”es?) We employed every American simply by lowering the standards of honesty on our résumés. We ensure a government as fair and balanced as our most credible news source, Fox News, and it’s all thanks to the book you are holding.
Why should you care, you ask? Let me answer your question with a question:
Do you love America? (And if not, why are you lying to yourself?) We are the best country on Earth for a reason, and because we don’t know what that reason is, we must do everything and anything in our power to protect our title. After all, the only surefire way to hit a target is to shoot in every possible direction. With the help of this book, you, too, can embody the grenade of freedom that is the American spirit.
“America Again” represents the basic building blocks of the majestic nation we already are. Colbert managed to take something that wasn’t broken, and fix it. It is, in effect, a post-emptive strike towards greatness. Stephen Colbert, for helping us realize how to improve our already perfect country, I thank you. America thanks you.
Sincerely,
A Future American