My favorite thing in the world is coming home after a rough day at school and talking to my dad about all of my problems. “Dad, I’m really depressed, and I could use some advice, because life has got me down right now,” I say. “My GPA is so awful that it’s actually a negative number, I’m addicted to crack, and I accidentally ran over the neighbor’s dog like five minutes ago.”
I look across the room at my dad, who is sitting at his desk with his head down, in what I assume is thoughtful contemplation of how he can guide me. A moment passes. Then a minute. Then two minutes. Finally, I can’t wait any longer, and I just need his help. “Dad,” I say again. After another few seconds, he replies, “Oh hey Milo, sorry one sec, I’m just upgrading my SimCity highway right now. It’s super important.”
It immediately became clear that my dad wasn’t going to be useful at all, so I went to the living room, to talk with my mom. “Mom, I have a suspicious rash all over my body, ISIS has reached out to me personally online, and grandma told me that I’m not her favorite or even second favorite grandkid,” I say. “Hold on Milo, I’m figuring out how to use Snapchat so I can become friends with your sisters. I think it’ll really bring the family closer.”
So on I went to my friends, because I knew I could always count on them. “Guys, I think I’m developing a gluten intolerance, my teacher said she wants to beat me up after school tomorrow, and I’ve been hallucinating with a fair amount of regularity,” I tell them.
“Hey Milo–check this out,” they reply, gesturing to their phones, completely ignoring everything that I had just said. “It’s a picture we just took of you, but we drew enlarged male genitalia on your face. Isn’t that hilarious?” It was hilarious, but I still couldn’t find anyone to help me with my problems.
I was feeling pretty dejected, until I realized that I control my own destiny. I could’ve done nothing, and wallowed in misery until I withered away, but I decided to embrace the real world, without being bogged down by invasive technology. I woke up real early, leaped out of bed, brushed my teeth with overwhelming enthusiasm, and had a nutritious gluten-free breakfast. The sun rose up over the horizon, sprinkling a beautiful red-orange across the valley, and I went to the window to gaze and take it all in. The quails started chirping, a high pitched gleeful harmony, and a rush of euphoria overcame me. The music of the birds reminded me that I still have Flappy Bird on my iPhone 5s, so I plopped down on the couch, and spent the next 14 hours breaking my old record. It was the best day of my life.