A Foolproof Guide To Handling COVID-19


(Tenaya Tremp)

By Fiona Matney, Editor-in-Chief

So you got exposed to COVID-19 and you’re not sure how to proceed. There are a few essential steps you must follow in order to safely and responsibly deal with the situation.


Step 1: Freak out. 

You cannot believe this is happening. You’ve been so careful. You only saw your 50 closest friends. You have a concert to go to on Friday and the last day to get a refund just passed.


Step 2: Go buy a rapid test.

Taking a rapid test is essential because they are the most convenient. Drive down to your nearest Rite–Aid or Walgreens, and buy their remaining supply of tests. You need all of them way more than everyone else. You can wear your mask if you feel like it, but don’t let it inconvenience you at all. 


Step 3: Get ready to take the test.

The Centers for Disease Control says it can take up to five days to test positive after exposure, but you know better. The friend you got coffee with four hours ago just texted to tell you they tested positive, so you need to take the test now. 


Step 4: Take the test.

Open your test up. The directions are long and you probably don’t need to read them. Take everything out of the package and put it all down on your dirty dinner table. Pause to have a momentary freak out whenever necessary. When you gather the courage to take your test, insert the cotton swab into your nose. Don’t make yourself uncomfortable, just insert as far as you feel like. Swirl the cotton swab around and finish the rest of the test. Set a timer for 15 minutes.


Step 5: Check the test every 30 seconds. 


Optional Step 5.5: Pray. 

Or manifest. Maybe pull out your crystal and rub it or something. 


Step 6: Look at results.

After 15 minutes, your results should be ready. Check to see whether or not there are two pink lines. Here is where it turns into a “choose your own adventure’’; except you are not choosing, the rapid test from Walgreens is. 


Step 7a: Negative result.

A negative result is what we were praying for. Additionally, there is no chance of an incorrect test result when the test is negative. Don’t worry about it. Carry on with your life and go treat yourself with a fire fit for that concert at the end of the week. A great way to destress after this traumatic experience would be to go out to the busiest restaurant with 10-12 of your friends. Share your drinks and everything.


Step 7b: Positive result.

Obviously, there is a high chance you got a false positive. You have to take another test just to be sure. If the second test is positive, might as well take a third just to be sure. If three consecutive tests yield positive results, it’s probably safe to say you’re screwed.♦