InCognito Villians that “Walk” Our Campus: A Fun-Filled Guide to Walking Like a Considerate Human Being

By Cassie Jeong

Walking around campus is a battle, and we must treat every minor inconvenience as a personal attack. The hordes of students through which we navigate simply to reach our next class are abundant with incompetent passerby, and it is high time we not only condemned, but retaliated against these everyday offenders. Be unapologetic in your vengeance: this is war.

The amount of stairs on campus is a typical but good-natured complaint of Tam students. The first offender in our ongoing struggle for civil mobility makes this miserable feat of physical exertion even more horrific. A stationary hoodlum will be audacious enough to take a seat upon the steps, blocking the passage with their arrogant lump of a body. This unforgivable act calls for extreme measures. As the offender has clearly made him- or herself right at home, they probably wouldn’t mind if you simply handcuffed them to the rail of the stairs they love so much. Bonus: drop the key at the opposite end of the staircase.

Another type of villain will walk ahead of you at a brisk pace, disguised as a competent and functional human being, before coming to a sudden halt. Perhaps something caught their attention, they heard their name called, or they realized they were walking to the wrong class. The only certainty is that you will lurch forward in an attempt to keep upright and bump into the aggressor, and now you’re the rude one in this situation. However, you can quickly conceal this stumble by embracing the person in front of you in a surprise bear hug… around the neck. Congratulations, you have instantly been reclassified from uncoordinated idiot to vigilante strangler, which (despite the physical assault charge that comes with it) is a significantly cooler title.

You may encounter a fiend who flat-tires you: once, twice, or even, infuriatingly, thrice. Your patience, like the rubber sole on the back of your shoe, will slowly grind away with each misstep. The only appropriate course of action is to swivel around, push the aggravator to the floor, and confiscate their shoes so that they may never again tread upon a sore heel. Take their wallet, too.

While it is considerate to hold the door open for those directly behind you, an offender will do so from an uncomfortable distance. The walk to fulfill the unnecessary courtesy will feel like the longest of your life, but don’t convenience them by speeding up. Instead, slow down. It was their choice to hold the door from so far away, and now they must pay the price of overzealous politeness. Maintain a direct and unwavering eye contact as you dawdle toward the door, and when the bell rings for the start of class, you will know you have won.

Finally, strolling delinquents may band together and multiply the irritation they cause others by clogging entire hallways. Though humans are social creatures and finding safety in numbers is instinctual, the cockiness and self-entitlement required to not only block a corridor, but walk slowly as they’re doing it, seems unnatural. The sluggishness and density of the impenetrable crowd will leave you no choice but to resort to the most sinful act of all: you must join them. Together, you laugh at the students stuck behind you, but behind each jeering snicker, a small tear is wept for humanity.