Horrible, Hideous, and Horrendous Hats

By Veronica Russell

During a brisk wintry February, one of the best ways to stay warm is to keep your head covered. Boys have it easy. Their choices consist of two main options: beanies and baseball caps. Girls, however, must tread wisely when deciding which headdress to wear. Many provide no warmth or are the ugliest things fashion designers have ever come up with.

One of the worst things ever to grace the heads of women everywhere is the newsboy cap. It features a bulbous mushroom cap and a tiny, utterly stupid brim that provides no protection from the harsh rays of the winter sun. Each of these hats should be tracked down and used for scrap. Senior Jackson Strike agreed. “I don’t like those confederate soldier, [High School Musical character] Kelsi Nielson hats because they are heinous,” he said. Heinous indeed; the amount of cool air stored in the hat’s balloon is reason enough to throw away the hat for its impracticality alone.

Clothes should serve a purpose: either keep us warm or cover us up for decency’s sake. Hats should, ideally, fall into the “functional” category. Many fashionable hats do nothing to keep the wearer’s head cozy and can just pocket cold air.

Senior Andy Meislin wears hats on cold days. “You know those hats that are not substantial and are more for fashion instead of warmth? I don’t really like those. I like beanies,” she said.

Beanies are one of the few hats that are great for women. They fit snugly to the wearer’s head providing warmth, and they look good on everyone. Slight changes in shape, material, or pattern can make them pop. Some beanies can be classed up by sporting studs or even pom-poms. The beret, cloche, and beanie are the only hats that are warm, fashionable, and are not hideous.

While warmth over fashion is important, it is crucial that one does not cross the fine line into the horror-land of warmth without style. Enter the “trapper hat,” a square, furlined eyesore which has flaps that cover the ears. Many associate the hat with the cold snows of Soviet Russia. Marin has winters that drop to a bone chilling, record- breaking low of about 40 degrees. There is no need to wear a hat that generates more heat than a polar bear in a down jacket. It just isn’t worth it.

It may be complicated to choose a hat that won’t make most people look away from your head in embarrassment and pity, but sophomore Jack Duncan made his opinion clear. “[Women’s] hats should be no more than seven inches in height, twelve inches in diameter, and the brim should not cover more than fifty-two percent of their face,” he said.