Welcome to Tiburon

Welcome to Tiburon

By Gibson Katz

Congratulations on your purchase of this travel guide; at $25, it’s the cheapest thing you’ll buy on your trip. Welcome to Shangri La, Tiburon.

Let’s start with the culture of the town. With such a small population (9,058) one might think that everyone knows each other in Tiburon. This is a reasonable mistake. Instead, it’s most fashionable to ignore your neighbors and only interact with them during coffee hours and city council meetings while discussing how to keep out poor peo- I mean keep property values up.

Now that you know about the perpetual middle school that is Tiburon culture, lets talk about what to do when you visit. You have a few choices; you can go out on a sailboat, get a meal or watch high functioning alcoholics. The first thing you might do is head out on a sailboat. A guide will come out with you, and you will start a relaxing course on your way out. You will start out slowly, and then they will yell instructions at you in between expletives. Finally, you will miss the wind and have to use an oar to get back to shore. Now that you’ve see the day time, more or less. It’s time to start nightlife – at 8 o’clock the town will shut down.

Lets talk about the omnipresent inebriants. While not everyone in the town is inebriated, these people sure are the loudest and most entertaining. There is a movie theater in town, but alcohol provides the best show around. Go into any of the three public bars on any weekday and you can watch a good amount of fighting, chugging and all-around bad behavior that would get you banned from most any frat house.The most common behavior is for two people (often in a relationship, but sometimes friends) to buy an expensive bottle of wine and then consume it in a matter of moments.  You will also see people on occasion drink 100 year old bottle of scotch without glasses, often business people celebrating their ability to crash the U.S. economy.

Thanks for taking the time to read this guide; it unfortunately will not serve you well in your travels, and you just wasted 25 bucks.