I’ve always thought of myself as someone who has bad luck. Maybe it’s just my pessimistic attitude. Maybe I’m cursed. Judge for yourself.

 

  • I ordered a turkey sandwich at a supermarket and the guy at the deli forgot to put turkey on it. It was literally bread with some lettuce, tomatoes, and mayo, and it was $11.00.
  • I was walking my dog when a random lady approached me and said that I was making my dog sad.
  • I have never ran a mile in less than 10 minutes. I almost did sophomore year, but I had an asthma attack on the final lap.
  • A teacher mistook me for their daughter’s boyfriend and yelled at me because apparently I stood her up.
  • I was expelled from Hebrew school.
  • Because I was expelled from Hebrew school, my parents had to hire me a private Hebrew tutor, who turned out to be a heroin addict and stole my dad’s laptop to sell on the black market.
  • I pulled my pectoral muscle going to the bathroom.
  • Immediately after I was born, my grandmother told my parents that I should be tested for Cerebral Palsy, because she thought that my head looked “wonky”. (Side note: I do not have Cerebral Palsy.)
  • I was given a parking ticket for being about four feet from the curb.
  • As a little kid, I got lost in a Chuck E Cheese play structure for over an hour.
  • I was attacked by a swarm of fire ants in downtown Indianapolis.
  • When I was younger, my urination accuracy was subpar, and I may have inadvertently peed on someone else multiple times.
  • I got the stomach flu during a family vacation at Disneyland, and I had to spend my whole trip in a hotel room watching Toddlers & Tiaras.
  • I drank an entire bowl of blue cheese dressing, because I thought that it was artisanal soup that had an acquired taste.
  • On my first day of high school, I was hit by a firework.

 

 

Milo Levine
milo@levine.net

One thought on “A Walk Down Memory Lane”

  1. I also have bad luck Milo. At age 3 I bought my first industrial fishing boat, which was then taken captive off the coast of Somalia by pirates wielding hoes and pitchforks. At age 9, I turned 10. Very sad. At age 17, my dick fell off. I no longer possessed any inches, and I watched as the woman who cut it off apologized and then picked it up off the ground and tried to double-sided tape it back on. At age 24, still no penis, I cannot sex, and must watch as another man makes love to my girlfriend. Well, she’s not actually my girlfriend, but I wish she was. I stare at her from across the apartment complex. She works at Costco. I work at Costco, in the cheese sample section. One day she came over and asked for a sample. and I said “You’d love me if i had a penis.” Now I do not work at Costco. The following year, I was sent to prison in Guam. The prison was just a tiki hut with a sentient coconut keeping watch to make sure I didn’t leave. This has been very troublesome, as the coconut does not speak English. I have learned how to communicate with facial gestures, but the coconut cannot respond, because he is a coconut. He has no face. Just arms and legs. I find this article troubling because it desensitizes the public to real stories of tragedy, like mine. The amount of pain I go through everyday listening to a coconut berate me, is intolerable. But yea, I guess making your dog sad is soooooo bad. Just wait till I smuggle myself back to you. I might have to sell myself to raise money for a boat fare, but it’ll be worth it when I finally find you and tell you that your article sucks in person, with the sentient coconut by my side. Thank you for listening, go Warriors!

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