This morning, you woke up, threw on some clothes, ate breakfast, and started your day. Sometime during this bland routine, you picked up your phone and opened Instagram: the social media app loved (and hated) by millions across the world. You saw posts of friends, acquaintances, and celebrities who seemed to be having the time of their lives. After you finished looking at the accounts of these people with thousands or even millions of followers, you tapped on your own profile to see how yours stacked up.

After spitting out your water in horror, you pinched yourself to see if this was some sort of nightmare. It wasn’t. As you stared at your profile, with its 127 followers and garage sale of a feed, you knew it was time for a change. And that’s what brought you here. You may not believe it, but I too was just like you: lost, scared, and hopeless, a complete Instagram nobody. However, with the help of my mentors, including over 200 influencers from around the world, I was able to rise from the ashes and truly, miraculously, thrive. Lucky for you, I have compiled a never-before-seen list of tips and tricks that will help you turn your Instagram from what a bore … to I want more!

First things first: Improve that ratio!

All the Instagram legends know that cool people ALWAYS have more accounts following them than they’re following. Nothing screams lame quite like someone with 87 followers who follows 1,247 people. This is why you should try to have as many followers as possible while following as few people as possible. I hate to break it to you, but if your ratio is cutting it close, sacrifices must be made, and the “unfollow” button must become your best friend. Don’t feel too bad though — I’m sure that Aunt Linda won’t notice if one of her 11 followers disappears.

Tip #2: Buy your followers! Your secret’s safe with me!

If you’re not willing to give up seeing Aunt Linda’s heavily-filtered selfies with her 22 cats, buying followers is always an option. If you can’t afford to spend a few bucks on followers, sell a few of your belongings. I’m absolutely positive that you can find something useless laying around the house. Who needs two kidneys anyways? Not you!

Tip #3: Color palette

One of the staples of curating a solid Instagram account is keeping a consistent color palette. Here’s a pro tip: Switch out all the normal light bulbs in your house with blue-light-emitting ones for a blue-tinted aesthetic. Haters (scientists) may say that blue light is the most harmful to your eyes, but just think of all those #artsyfartsy comments you’ll be raking in!

Tip #4: Image is everything!

Out of ideas of what to do next? Try making a brand for yourself. With options from heartthrob to comedian to pet lover, picking a persona can be pretty challenging, but if you can’t settle on an Insta-personality, the “troublemaker” persona is a solid choice. To kickstart this image, all you have to do is rob a bank. I’m kidding! You don’t have to do anything too crazy, just steal someone’s Hydro Flask. Have a friend capture it on video, then post that bad boy on your Instagram story.

Tip #5: Every influencer’s nightmare

As you know, Instagram is not always rainbows and butterflies. There may come a day when you experience the worst possible thing that could ever happen to a person. There may come a day when you *gag* don’t get over 300 likes on a post. But no matter how bad it seems, these things happen. Bad things happen to good people. The first step towards dealing with this nightmare is damage control. Delete the picture immediately. Stop whatever you’re doing and rush home. Do not stop for anything or anyone. After crying for the required four hours, start packing a suitcase. You must move to another country no later than 24 hours after the post, preferably to a more photogenic one. I hear that Fiji has some beautiful beaches! You won’t be jazzed about cutting ties with everyone in your life, but it’s really a blessing in disguise. You’ll get a chance to pick yourself up and start a new life with even better Instagram posts.

Finally, you have all the resources you need to turn that frown upside down and live your best life on Instagram. Now, all you have to do is go out, have fun, and do everything you’ve ever dreamed of doing. Just make sure you post about it!