Dear Mr. Biden,

What a month you’ve had. According to your newsletters (which I, of course, read devotedly), the Republican National Convention (RNC) was also the Obama campaign’s biggest fundraising deadline. A week later at the Democratic National Convention, the crowd was asked if anyone opposed the motion to nominate you as the Democratic Party’s official Vice Presidential candidate. You could hear a pin drop.

You say you’ve known eight presidents, “three of them intimately.” For this “intimate” reason, I am eternally disappointed that immigrants like me cannot run for president. However, in the event that Mitt Romney is elected as the 45th President of the United States, I am delighted to announce my candidacy in the race… for your heart.

Though Romney’s plan to turn Medicare into a voucher program could help balance the federal budget, the burden of the deficit falls on those who need it most, but cannot afford it. Romney proposes to “take more money from seniors in higher premiums and co-pays and hand it over to private insurance companies and other providers in the Medicare system,” according to Representative Chris Van Hollen of Maryland, senior Democrat on the House Budget Committee, led by Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan.

You will not be young and beautiful forever, Joe. The health needs of the elderly may not be affordable if this voucher program replaces “Obamacare,” which Romney has repeatedly stated would be his first presidential action. When you are old and gray, you may want someone to take care of you. Forget your wife and kids; I will personally make sure all your ice cream cravings are fulfilled, as I am well aware of your love for ice cream. (And trains. And kissing your fans.)

Obama’s claim that the Romney/Ryan agenda hurts students by cutting Pell Grants, federally allotted scholarships provided for students in financial need, is not entirely true. What he didn’t mention was that Ryan’s house budget committee report states Pell Grant maximums cannot be reduced beyond 2013. It’s all right, though, because if Romney does cut the scholarships that I depend on, I won’t be able to go to college, giving us more time to spend together. If he doesn’t, you can relive your glorious college years with me. I would greatly appreciate if your lovely (and lucky) wife Jill Biden, a schoolteacher of over 30 years, helped me with my homework.

Paul Ryan also stated his desire to cut federal disaster aid accounts, but don’t you worry your pretty little head. According to the logic of Republican representative Todd Akin of Missouri’s comment on “legitimate rape”: If it’s a legitimate natural disaster, the Earth has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.

And how will Romney/Ryan address your favorite four-letter-word, “J-O-B-S”? The youth vote is no longer impressed by Obama’s ventures into social networking and late night talk shows. “Jobs and the economy,” the Romney campaign’s primary focus, are the top concerns of 58 percent of 18- to 29-year olds, according to a national poll by Harvard University’s Institute of Politics.

If Paul Ryan becomes Vice President, you’re going to need a job, and I know you’re not the best with handling income. You were referred to as “a financial embarrassment” and “the man who turned millions into thousands” by personal finance entertainment blog, Thousandaire, who also noted that your net worth is the lowest of the entire U.S. Senate, despite nearly 40 years of earning an upper-middle class salary, and despite being the vice president. I know you are not a man of luxuries, Joe, but you need your ice cream, and ice cream costs cold, hard-earned cash.

Paul Ryan stated at the RNC that Romney intends to create 12 million jobs in the first four years of his presidency. However, Romney himself called this exact same pace “disheartening” in a May 6 statement responding to figures from Obama’s economic policy. Romney has been vague about further details of his economic plan, indicating that they might not be entirely beneficial to working-class Americans, but I see this as a bonding opportunity. With potential hard times ahead, you will need a helping hand, and I offer my eternal servitude in exchange for only your radiant presence.

I sincerely hope Mitt Romney is elected so we’ll have more time to spend together.

Yours dotingly,

Cassie Jeong