A Walk Down Memory Lane


I’ve always thought of myself as someone who has bad luck. Maybe it’s just my pessimistic attitude. Maybe I’m cursed. Judge for yourself.


  • I ordered a turkey sandwich at a supermarket and the guy at the deli forgot to put turkey on it. It was literally bread with some lettuce, tomatoes, and mayo, and it was $11.00.
  • I was walking my dog when a random lady approached me and said that I was making my dog sad.
  • I have never ran a mile in less than 10 minutes. I almost did sophomore year, but I had an asthma attack on the final lap.
  • A teacher mistook me for their daughter’s boyfriend and yelled at me because apparently I stood her up.
  • I was expelled from Hebrew school.
  • Because I was expelled from Hebrew school, my parents had to hire me a private Hebrew tutor, who turned out to be a heroin addict and stole my dad’s laptop to sell on the black market.
  • I pulled my pectoral muscle going to the bathroom.
  • Immediately after I was born, my grandmother told my parents that I should be tested for Cerebral Palsy, because she thought that my head looked “wonky”. (Side note: I do not have Cerebral Palsy.)
  • I was given a parking ticket for being about four feet from the curb.
  • As a little kid, I got lost in a Chuck E Cheese play structure for over an hour.
  • I was attacked by a swarm of fire ants in downtown Indianapolis.
  • When I was younger, my urination accuracy was subpar, and I may have inadvertently peed on someone else multiple times.
  • I got the stomach flu during a family vacation at Disneyland, and I had to spend my whole trip in a hotel room watching Toddlers & Tiaras.
  • I drank an entire bowl of blue cheese dressing, because I thought that it was artisanal soup that had an acquired taste.
  • On my first day of high school, I was hit by a firework.