I’m not gonna sugarcoat anything here: I suck at skateboarding. I’m so bad. Like, profoundly bad. 

I, being so very bad at skating, am in the perfect position to review a skatepark, the one place I shouldn’t be. 

Unlike Mill Valley Middle School (MVMS), the MVMS skate park isn’t a living hell. There is some really nice shade behind some of the ramps and it’s very nice to sit there until someone asks you to get out of their way. There is also a skate ledge which is comfortable to lie down or eat on because its nice and flat. Again, this is a skate park, so there may be skaters that get pissed at you for lounging on the obstacles— they’re so entitled.

One downside to the skate park is that the ground is very hard, and it will give you a big fat bruise when you fall on your butt. It would be nice if they spruced the place up with a good bit of padding because I like keeping my pelvis intact.

Another downside is that the park is right next to a sewage plant, so if there’s even a slight gust of wind, you get a nice noseful of tiny airborne particles of fecal matter. Whoever decided to put a school there must’ve been unable to smell or just really stupid. 

While we’re on the topic of location, because MVMS is perched atop a squishy squishy marsh (which also smells horrible), it’s literally sinking. Go to the skate park now, because you might not be able to in a year with climate change and sea level rising. 

On the off chance that you aren’t the worst skater on the planet, you may be able to enjoy the smooth, concrete bowl-like thing which is also a miniramp, or the vert ramps and A-frame. The park, while being very small, does have good flow and plenty of obstacles. There is also a fun little flatground section which has a sloped version of those concrete thingies that you find at the tops of parking spots. Additionally, there’s a metal beam that you can do grinds on, but it’s definitely too high for me to ollie onto (if I could even do one). 

Another great thing about the skate park is the lack of annoying scooter kids that constantly get in your way. But instead of scooter kids, there are horrible skaters (like me) who are too incompetent to stay on their boards for more than five seconds at a time. They (me) are actually kinda worse because they (me) somehow manage to send their (my) board flying 20 feet in every direction— which can be a serious hazard (sorry).