An Adult Gym Goer’s Guide to Dealing with Physically Fit Teenagers

Inspired by real events.


Teenagers can’t seem to do anything right. Their small, underdeveloped brains prevent them from driving well, speaking rationally, turning down the music after you ask them to, and, apparently, exercising.

That’s right. Teenagers are a nuisance in the weight room, and the workout routine you learned about from your Cross fit friend’s Facebook page is under attack.

But not to fear, adults. If you are between the age of 30 and infinity, there is a way to save yourself and your fellow gym-goers from these horrible half-people. You have the opportunity to be the hero of the weight room and impress everybody.

Using the power of real, documented encounters, and science, we’ve created the perfect guide to harassing teenagers at the gym. After reading this, you’ll finally have the courage to tell those teens who’s boss.

First rule of any dangerous encounter with a teen at the gym: never remain calm, and always make a much bigger scene than necessary. This way, the teen’s vulnerable hormone levels will fluctuate, and they will enter a state of confusion.

Let’s do a test run. You’re at the community center, wearing your comfy new velvet tracksuit, when suddenly a teenager exhales. This is your chance to catch them red-handed! Stroll on up to him, stand tall and firm, and say…

“Could you not make so much noise with your mouth? Geez Louise!”

Nailed it. Excellent comment. That will for sure teach him. Now get back to that thing you were doing with the foam roller.

In some cases the teen may not be doing anything wrong at all, but you may still have a problem with them. Not to worry, there’s a situation for that too: You’ve been on that cool, new, totally FDA-approved soy lent-based plant protein supplement that your wife told you to go on, and you are starving. Your biceps are two feet wide and your blood pressure couldn’t be higher. Life is bliss.

But look! There’s that one female trainer you like to creep on. You’re about to initiate alpha mode, but then you see there’s a loser teen on your lucky bench! How are you supposed to show off now?

“Get off the bench, you squeep!”

Wait-ta go! Perfect choice of words. Now, as the teen reasonably fears for his safety, he’ll quickly exit the bench so you can get that sweet three seconds of feeling good about yourself. Alright! You earned it.

Now here’s a tricky situation. If you happen to have a couple thousand dollars to spare every year, the Bay Club is your go-to spot. You know everybody there, including the pool boy who you try and fail to speak Spanish to, and the barista, who you consistently hit on.

But who’s this? A teenager lifting slightly more than you? Unacceptable. He didn’t pay for that membership, his parents did! Now is the time to act. Think hard. How can you intimidate him? Put in your Bluetooth earpiece, walk past him, make eerily long eye contact, and say…

“Yea brother, we can totally take the yacht out this weekend.”

Boom! You totally just told that kid who’s boss! Haha. He even doesn’t have a yacht, and he totally thought you were actually on the phone. Silly teenagers.

With these tips, you’ll never have to worry about teens disturbing the peace in your gym. They’re just self-conscious wannabes who already struggle with finding their place in society. The gym is one of the most judgmental places somebody can be at, and it’s important not to discourage America’s youth to stay physically fit and take care of their bodies.

But forget that! You have a grievance that needs to be addressed immediately. Take action! There’s a new sheriff in town, and it’s you. Go ahead, aggressively point to the “no banging weights” sign on the wall, or call up a staff member, because you are doing something good. You’re making a difference in a world that needs more people like you. ◆