Designated Juuling Areas – Satire


On Sunday, June 3rd, J.B. Near and the administration announced the newest addition to Tam’s campus in the form of designated areas for consumption of vaporized nicotine products. “Addiction is a disease, and these students need a safe space to use without being judged by their teachers and peers,” Near stated in an email. “I’m sure parents and teachers alike will be happy to hear about the creation of rooms for the use of Juul’s and other vaporizers.”

These rooms will be placed throughout the grounds for easy access. According to the plans published by Tamalpais High Union School District, each will be tiled, well lit, as well as containing a sink, paper towels, toilets for maximum convenience, and of course stalls meant to feature vandalization. They will replace currently unused facilities on campus which already contain these amenities and currently labeled as “bathrooms”.

Most students support the new areas. “I think this is a really positive addition to our school,” said Senior Nicholas Atine, “Nothing gets me through Spanish class better than a catching a fat dome in the Juul room. And now with the Juuling rooms, my Spanish grade has never been better.” Another student, who asked to remain anonymous, shared Atine’s opinion. “Yeah dog, taking fat tokes just isn’t the same when I have my math teacher breathing down my neck,” the student said, “Now I can rip in peace.”

But a minority of students do not support these developments. “When I think of a designated juuling area, I think of a classroom full of students supervised by a watchful teacher,” said another student who has requested to be anonymous. “The constant threat of getting in trouble is part of the reason that I like juuling,” they elaborated. Nico Tinelli, an avid Juuler and hunter, told Tam News reporters on Monday, “If I was given a designated juuling space, then I wouldn’t have an excuse for ditching class. What’s the point of doing something illegal if I’m not gonna get in trouble for it?”

Despite mass student approval, parents are skeptical about the addition. “I’m not sure about this,” said Tam parent Emile Haque. “Are the rooms really nice enough? I don’t want my child juuling anywhere other than the safe environment of the home.”

Bernie Lungzo, another parent, agrees with Haque. “How can students be called Mill Valley Residents if they are not entitled to the best of the best? At least [the Administration] could incorporate ipads and speedy wifi.” Some parents have joined forces on social media platforms, such as Nextdoor, and have organized a walkout to ensure the highest quality of the juuling areas. The walkout, referred to as “The Walkout” will require participating parents to leave their houses at the beginning of tutorial, and march to the Equator Coffee Shop on Miller to complain about people who don’t own hybrid cars.

At a press meeting on Wednesday, Near was questioned about the recent budget deficits and how the juul rooms would affect cuts. “We have several incredibly important educational programs that we need to devote money towards, such as our new Vaporization Rooms,” Near said. “We need to prioritize our budget according to the needs of our students. I’m sorry to announce that we will have to cut the English department, but the need for these rooms far outweighs any kind of positive influence that English has.” When asked if he thought these cuts were necessary, Near reportedly nodded and replies, “Yes. Vape on brah, Juul is life.”