Can I say the “f-word”?
Navigating the reclamation of identity slurs.
February 7, 2020
I was at a concert the other night. The singer was a very openly gay artist, singing to a very openly gay crowd. About twenty minutes in, the singer shouted to the audience, “Is anyone gay in here?” and was met with a roaring response. She laughed and said, “Get the fuck out, f*****s.” The theater lulled in uncomfortable tension. Then the show went on.
Now, if the singer had been a straight white male saying that on stage, the response would have been different. There may have been outrage, boycotting, or other forms of backlash. Nobody left though, and nobody said anything in opposition. She’s gay, which arguably gives her the opportunity to use that word. But, it still made some people uncomfortable.
I’m all for self-expression; anyone should be able to identify however the hell they want. If she wants to call herself a f*g, that’s her prerogative. The audience froze because she chose to call them by that term.
But how did the f-slur become such a burdened expression?
Originally, the word was used to describe a bundle of sticks, according to Merriam Webster. These sticks were used by young boys who did chores for their older peers, and soon the instrument was associated with the type of person who would use it; a boy who performed women’s duties (God forbid). Not only this, the young boys were sometimes asked to perform very personal favors for their seniors. The word has long been associated with femininity, as it was used as an abusive term for women as early as the 16th century. One reason begot the other, or maybe the inverse, and the term evolved into its current, American definition; a derogatory description for gay men, first printed with this direct meaning in Louis E. Jackson’s A Vocabulary of Criminal Slang.
I know the singer wasn’t using the slur in an attempt to alienate her fans, as they’re the ones paying her bills. She said it in a poorly executed, edgy endearment, and was met with an audience panged with the reminder of an ever-present discrimination. While the context seemed reasonable enough, those around her weren’t ready to forget the original meaning, and snapped in to fight or flight.
We live in a liberal area, so one would imagine that a county just north of San Francisco could be beyond the era of LGBTQ discrimination. But it happens all the time. In elementary school, Southern Marin Broncos played “smear the queer.” In middle school, girls stopped hugging lesbians in fear of getting hit on. Last week in class, I heard boys talking about what a “f*g” someone was, mocking their lack of masculinity. It’s still here; we hear it.
People in the LGBTQ community are always on high alert for moments like these, so the other day in class my ears perked when I heard the slur pierce the air. As I eavesdropped, it became clear the student wasn’t using the word in an intentionally derogatory sense; instead, they were describing in shock how someone else had been using it. Except, they said the actual word multiple times in their story. While the purpose wasn’t harmful, the interaction quickly became uncomfortable. It’s a loaded word, and its presence haunts people. Saying it, regardless of context, stirs emotions.
So, can LQBTQ people say the f-word? Yes and no.
The reclamation of slurs can change the ownership of their power. Yet, this doesn’t forgo its original meaning. Just because one gay person feels empowered to take back a word that was once used to opress, does not mean others are ready to embrace the same. It is hard to reclaim a word that is still being used to oppress. Yes, a gay person has the right to call themselves any slur they wish. No, they cannot label others in any way without their consent.
There is no harm in self-censorship. Generally, don’t call someone a loaded word without their explicit permission, and especially don’t say something that isn’t yours to use. This applies to the LGBTQ community, but it’s also applied to many other realms of life. I don’t say the n-word or the r-word because they’re not open to me. The line becomes blurred when there are words I can/have the right to use, yet risk resurfacing their tumultuous history. Do not say slurs unless directly referencing yourself, and even then, ask why you want to use that type of word. What type of power are you looking for?
hi, my name is yasmin, i am gay woman and brazilian. i see the songs with the “f word” and stay confused if i can or not say it.
Hi there! I’m Chelsea and yes you can say the f slur as long as you are a part of the lgbt community. So in retrospect only assigned at birth heterosexuals are the people who should not say the slur. I hope this helped!
Hi i’m a bisexual woman who has been called the f slur so am I aloud to say it? I dont wanna offend anyone
only gay men can say the f slur as it’s only directed at them. lesbians have another slur so if you really want to use a slur (which is weird yes) use that one. please stay away from slurs like f*g and d*ke if you’re not a completely gay man or lesbian woman aka pan and bi please pls don’t say it
Yes you can, anyone who likes the same gender as themselves can say it 🙂
I’m pansexual, there’s this song that has the f-slur. Can i say it or no?
There’s some debate as to whether wlws should be able to say the f-slur, so I (a lesbian) generally don’t say it. However, I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with Mary M. Bi/pan women are allowed to use the d slur and bi/pan men are allowed to use the f-slur. They’re attracted to people of the same gender. The aforementioned slurs apply to them and will have been used against them. As the article said, as long as they don’t use the slurs against anyone else, they can say them.
“There is no harm in self-censorship”
I’m gay (not that it should matter) and I absolutely disagree. I wish there weren’t people in this world like you who try to police others’ language.
Mary M, any member of the lgbt community can say the f slur. When the word originated it was used against anyone not strictly heterosexual, even asexuals. It’s oppressive for you to say bi, pan, etc can’t say it. If it’s used against you, then there’s something for you to reclaim. You have no place to say that unless you’re “fully gay” you can’t say it. Grow up and do research before you post your comment.
hi, lesbian here! i would like to say that only mlm can reclaim the f slur! the f slur diminishes men for liking men, so gay men and bi men can say it. bi women can NOT say it/reclaim it!! bi women actually have their own set of slurs. also in regards to the d slur, only lesbians can say it because if you look up the definition of dyke, the meaning is in fact lesbian aka a women who only likes women. so bi women can NOT say the d slur because they like men AND women. if you can not reclaim it then don’t say it!
hey, i’m a lesbian. to everyone saying bi/pan people can’t say it, fuck that. it’s a slur for homosexual people, period. anonymous said that bi women can’t say the d slur because they also like men…but they like women too. they are wlw, as much as me.
I am a bisexual, non-binary person. I present feminine & have been called the f-slur in the past, not only because I am non-binary but also because I like women.. I’m not sure if I can say this word. Is it exclusive to MLM? Or is it a word that I can reclaim? I’ve been getting some mixed signals & I’d like a lot to get a definitive answer. I’d prefer a MLM to answer but anyone works.
I’m looking at anonymous’ comment and getting mixed signals there. Bisexual, pansexual, and gay men can say the f slur because they both love men- but bi and pan + others that like the women love women as well, but bisexual/pansexual women cannot say the d slur because they love BOTH. So either the men can’t say the f slur and women can’t say the d slur, or they can both say their respective slur.
Also; I’m getting mixed signals in general from this comment section. Am I or am I not, allowed to say the f slur or the d slur ? I understand both points of view on the subject, but still am not clear on this. Thank you for your time.
I’m gonna disagree with everyone saying bi/pan women cannot say the f slur. I say if you’re attracted to the same gender you can say it, the gate keeping should stop. The only people who are not allowed to say it are people who are not part of lgbt community. As far as asexuals. I am unsure, if it has been used against you, I think it’s ok. But I don’t know (also I’m a lesbian) Since the slur has been used to make fun of me it is ok for me to say it in my opinion. I still don’t use it very often though
im a bisexual female can i say the f-word i’d prefer if a mlm anwsered this question :)!
Hello, agender person here (I use they/them) and I would like to ask if, as a pansexual but genderless individual, if I am allowed to use the f-slur. I have no intention of doing it, but I listen to a song that has the word in it, and I have been wondering for a while if I was allowed to say it. With all due respect, I feel like the word should be allowed to be used for all of the LGBTQ community, as those are the people who have been oppressed with the word, but I just wanted to see another perspective.
I personally don’t use the f-slur (I’m bisexual), but I don’t agree with people saying it is exclusively for gay/bi/pan men or that people that are bi/pan can’t say it. The word has been used to hurt people no matter what their sexuality or gender identity is so everyone that is not cishet has the right. You should however not use it unless you are describing yourself as the article said.
hi i’m kim. i identify as any gender but i don’t know my label though i don’t really care for them, i am a boy a girl and anything else. can i say the f slur? i’m not really wanting to but i want to know if it’d be wrong for me to say it.
hi i’m kim. i identify as any gender but i don’t know my label though i don’t really care for them, i am a boy a girl and anything else. can i say the f slur? i’m not really wanting to but i want to know if it’d be wrong for me to say it. i am attracted to boys, girls and non-binary individuals.
Hello. I am non-binary, so I wanted to ask which slurs I’m allowed to say and if there’s any directed towards non-binarys that I should know of?
hey,
im wlw but i dont have a label, i dont personally use the f slur but i was wondering if you can use it only when youve been called it? i know everyone in the lgbtq community can say it, but is it only when its been used against them?
Hi I’m a Lesbian and Anyone in the LGBTQ+ community can say lesbian and dyke and if your in the community you don’t have to ask permission from anyone in order to use dyke or fag! 🙂 I’ve been fired from a job because I’m a “faggot” and been called dyke and fag in the same sentence on many occasions as slurs or just by my other gay and lesbian friends. For me it’s empowering and if your in the community it should be for you too! Don’t let a toxic male try to tell you different !
Hi I’m a lesbian and in American culture we see that there is a very male centered perspective on things. That being said, this causes lots of erasure for the things that women go through. This definitely effects our lgbtq+ community given that the majority of our representation is the gay male and focused on gay males stories and struggles, gay/lesbian/pan/bisexual women have been called faggot, and I myself have been attacked with this word multiple times. Don’t ask for mans permission to use a word that has been weaponized against you. Reclaim it and empower yourself. Just because there is erasure to gay women’s struggles, doesn’t mean it isn’t valid or that you can’t empower yourself by reclaiming a slur that has been used against you <3
Hey so like I’m a bi girl and the other day my sister (who says she’s demisexual which idk about that but anyways I’m like almost 100% sure she’s only attracted to men) said the f slur. I’m pretty sure that she can’t say it cuz she’s literally never even been called it or discriminated against for being demi cuz like no one even knows and if they did I don’t think anyone would care at all cuz she still only likes the opposite gender. I’m getting mixed signals from the comments but my way of thinking was that if ur not attracted to the same gender then u can’t say the f slur but I just want some feedback so I can know whether I’m right or wrong. Thank you!!
hello! I am a transgender male and I am bi, people say I can not say the f-slur when I ask them, am I allowed to say it??
are u dumb “Faggots cousin”?? you have no right to reclaim a slur that isn’t INTENTIONALLY yours to reclaim. let alone allow other lesbians to follow your weird concept on “male privilege” within the gay community. idk if you’ve noticed, but most gay men do not share the same male privilege that heterosexual men experience. gay men are repeatedly harassed, demeaned, and blatantly scrutinized for their feminine lifestyle (for those who choose to lead this path of expression). i’m sorry to inform you, but there is little to no power that any gay male holds over lesbian or bisexual women from a gender standpoint. let’s get that straight. additionally, i think that you’re mistaking the fact that just because you get called a word does not mean that you can reclaim it. if a white person gets called a racial slur, they are not able to then reclaim it. in fact, it would be very weird for them to even take offense to the word. which puzzles me as to why you, a lesbian, is concerned with being called a slur that literally does not have intentional ploys to harm your character. yes, you can be frustrated that the word is being used against you since it affects your fellow gay and bi members of the male lgbt community. however, you still do not get to reclaim the word. it’s weird that you want to say this word so bad, almost as if you have some internal hatred of gay men that you so desperately need to exude it through slurred language. please seek help immediately.
again, i would never tell somebody if they can or can not say a slur that was not directly in definition to my identity. that’s weird behavior. for instance, i do not say the d slur out of respect for the lesbian community that does not feel comfortable with lgbt men saying it. i would expect the same energy from lgbt women.
Hi I’m born as a woman trans man and I was wondering if I could say the f word? It doesn’t exactly specify.